A Goodbye…that came before a hello!

An unspoken journey of many expectant moms

The past few weeks have been an eye-opener to me in so many ways. They have helped me realize the importance of having a strong support system around us – one that can hold us when things go wrong, give us little reminders & reassurances when we feel vulnerable and most importantly, to keep us grounded.

I am married to a beautiful person, inside and out, for over five years now. He is first a friend and then a husband – he has always been my partner in crime and confidant – I must have definitely done something right to have found someone like him!

About a year and a half ago, we decided that it was time we started a family. Both of us have always loved and wanted to have children – and by God’s grace, in Feb 2021, our happiness knew no bounds when we found out that we were pregnant. Everything seemed so perfect!

Like any other ob-gyn, my doc told me to take a blood test to see if my hormone levels were normal. The same evening, I received my reports and the hospital called me to tell me that my hormone levels were ‘not-as-expected’ and that they were a bit concerned that it might be an ectopic pregnancy. I was then told to have a scan to check if there were any complications. Later that evening, post the scan, I was informed that it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby sac was where it had to be – in the uterus, and with a heartbeat! (Those words were music to my ears). Though the sac had an irregular shape, I was told that the pregnancy was viable and I needed to rest well for the next couple of weeks before another follow-up scan would be done to check the baby’s development.

The two-week waiting period to know if my child was healthy was nothing short of slow torture. My hopes hung on to prayers. Though my husband and family were very positive about the pregnancy, I always had some inexpressible fear – a fear that kept telling me that it was all too good to be true.

The repeat scan that was done during my 9th week showed a pregnancy sac and a tiny baby in the womb, but there was no sign of life. The doctor told us that it was an ‘unhealthy pregnancy’ and that it should be terminated. I broke down, cried, howled (in front of over 20 people in the hospital), started questioning God and cursing my luck (human instinct, I guess). I was all cried out by that evening and had no energy to express any emotion anymore. I was then informed that I would be given oral tablets to clear my uterus and if that doesn’t work, a D & C procedure would be performed.

Throughout the process, my parents and husband were by my side constantly reassuring that things are going to be okay. It was when the doctor told me to take the first tablet to initiate the procedure that I truly realized how attached I was to this unborn child of mine. Just the thought of having to bid farewell to this little part of me broke my heart into pieces. I knew that I had no choice but to go with what was told. I took those tablets and was instructed about the schedule for taking the other pills. The doctor told me to expect painful cramps and heavy bleeding.

It is after we got back home that I realized that the real nightmare was about to unfurl during the rest of the evening and night. I took the tablets as instructed; the pain was manageable for the 1st few hours but little did I know that in a few hours, I would be clutching on to my mom’s pallu, howling and begging her to do something about the now excruciating pain or at least to take me to the hospital. Though it subsided a little after the painkillers, it did show me a piece of hell.

During all of this, one thing I couldn’t help notice was how I would have been devastated if not for my family. It is because of them and a few friends that I am blessed with, who did everything on the face of earth me make me feel better, that I survived this episode. Words will never be sufficient to speak about the love and support I received from them. While I can never truly express how I feel about losing a child, here is a poem that a dear dear friend wrote to give my feelings words, and it’s beyond perfect!

I had you for just a moment

A moment that was too short

I wished I could hold on

For a moment more…

I loved you with my mind

Body, soul and heart

I will love you forever

Even when you’re gone…

It breaks my heart into pieces

To bid farewell to you, my child

Even before we could meet

And I could hold you in my arms…

From now until forever

When I look up at the stars

I’ll feel your precious presence

No matter how short…

And before I sign off, I would like to say to all the mommies who have lost their children during pregnancy that it is okay to grieve; it is okay to talk about them and acknowledge their existence.

This little being I lost will always be a part of my story!